Monday, July 2, 2012

Sports metaphors to explain dating and sex

-- by Josh and Matt

You don’t need to like sports to enjoy sports metaphors.

When a politician finishes a speech or a debate, the staff will often claim their boss “hit a home run.” How often do you hear the phrase “game over” to explain situations that don’t involve games?

Even if you don’t like baseball, and even if definitions are slightly different, you understand the jist of “getting to first base” or “getting to second base” in the mating dance.

To “spit game” you need not be involved in an organized game. Of course, dating is a game and sometimes you have to “play the game.”

In the naming game for dating and mating, the options are endless with sports metaphors.

Many are obvious. We all know a “slam dunk” is when the girl is clearly into the guy. Maybe it’s a slam dunk she’ll allow you to “get to third base” or maybe it’s a slam dunk she will “pull the goalie.”

While we know what those mean, there are many other euphemisms for extracurricular activities that are derived from extracurricular activities.

Since we’re both men, our guide to sports metaphors for dating, sex and relationships comes from the male perspective:

·         Ground-rule double: When you can only get to second base with a woman because "it's that time of the month." You have to stop at second base.

·         Striking out the side: getting three different numbers the same night. 

·         Triple crown: having sex with three different girls the same day.

·         Grand slam: having sex with a woman before dinner, after dinner, the next morning, then after breakfast again.

·         Taking a 3-1 fastball: not realizing a woman is really into you. 

·         Pitching around somebody: blowing off a chick who wants you because you want her friend. 

·         Double play: having sex with two women at the same time. A three-some.

·         Triple play: having sex with three women at the same time. A four-some.

·         Broken bat: when you’re trying to open a condom package, and in the process, you tear the condom.

·         Striking out looking: when a woman is making eyes at you from across the bar, or any social setting, but you never approach her.

·         Striking out swinging: when you keep trying, and trying, and trying, but do not “score” a phone number or kiss or anything else.

·         Full-court press: putting on a very strong advance in approaching a mate, or a first date. Going to the full-court press can lead to that first date, or turning someone off. You have to choose when to employ it or else you can get burned.

·         The lay-up: A gimme, a simple feat. It could be a loose woman in public, or the ease at getting a phone number.

·         Posting up: When a girl is standing at the bar, and you’re angling your body in a way that no other guys can come close to talking with her.

·         Man-to-man: when a group of guys and girls are talking in a bar, and you’re able to break away from your respective friends to talk alone.

·         Buzzer beater: going home with a girl you meet at 1:59 am. 

·         Making a full court shot: walking up to a girl you’ve never met, telling her your favorite ridiculous line that is code for having sex immediately, and she somehow says yes.

·         Hail Mary: Hitting on anything and everything after 1:30 am.

·         Pic six: when a girl is about to go home with another guy, then abruptly changes her mind and goes home with you instead. 

·         Field goal: when it’s clear you’re not going to have sex, and you settle for a blowjob. 

·         False start: putting your hand on a girl’s ass, and she moves it away.

Off Sides: trying to convert a female friend into a girlfriend and she's not down with that.

Out Kick Your Coverage: you're dating someone who is way too hot for you.

·         Giving the Heisman: when a girl is cute and interested in you, but you can’t deal with her because she’s so overwhelmingly drunk, so you keep her at arm’s length.

·         Gatorade shower: making a woman squirt. 

·         Clearing some cap room: deleting old girlfriends’ numbers from your phone.

·         Stealing signs: when playing wingman for a friend, you ask questions to help your friend, then you use that knowledge to try hooking up with her yourself. 

·         Successful two-point conversion: when she gives you a clean-up blowjob after you just had sex. 

·         Failed two-point conversion: when you attempt the post-sex blowjob, and she rolls away in disgust.

·         Red zone defense: when you’re not having sex because it’s that time of the month.

·         Pulling the goalie: when the woman takes off her panties … or when she goes off birth control. Depends how long you’ve known her, and the purpose of this game.

·         Power play: Used when the charisma of a group makes you look better, and you’re able to score a phone number. You relied on the strength in numbers.

·         Icing: we still don’t know what it means in hockey, so we don’t know what it means in the dating game either.

·         Tap out: When you’re talking to a girl, she’s not buying your game at all, so you just abruptly leave.

·         Double fault: When you return an hour later, and still make no progress.

·         Ace is having sex on first date. 

·         Direct kick: when a girl approaches you in a bar and starts a conversation. It’s not a guarantee that you’re going to score, but you’re in a whole lot better position.
      Converting the penalty kick: when the girl says, “let's go back to your place” and you have sex. 

·         Missing the penalty kick: when the girl says, “let’s go back to your place,” and you don't have sex.
This guy clearly missed the penalty kick.

·        Own goal: When you can’t make your female partner orgasm, so she does it to herself. 

·         Hole-in-one: Getting your wife pregnant the first day she goes off birth control and you don’t use a condom.

·         Pick up the spare: When you strike out on the hot chick, and hook up with her not-so-hot friend.

There’s our list. Agree or disagree? Want to add your favorite sports metaphor? Leave a comment at the bottom.


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